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In Which I Drive 291 Miles To Get Beat To A Pulp

by Karol on June 15, 2011

I would like to say lots of nice things about the Desperado at Buffalo Bill’s in Primm, NV, but it was the most painful, most uncomfortable, most horribly maintained roller coaster I’ve ever been on. They gave me an unlimited ride wristband and I went on it once. 3 hours later I’m still in more pain than I’ve been in since I caught on fire. While I’ve complained about the pain from corkscrews in the past that pain does not nearly compare to the pain I am feeling right now. Vicodin please. 2 times.

But let’s backtrack a bit, because I started the day 291 miles from Deathperado in San Diego at Belmont Park with Anna. Anna is from Brazil and is one of those amazing people who quit a job in surgery because she just didn’t like it anymore and began traveling the world. How many people are brazen enough to realize, even after the years of schooling/residencies/etc a Doctor must go through, that they need a change? Not many.

We rode Giant Dipper, a classic coaster very similar to the Giant Dipper in Santa Cruz, and hung out for an hour before I made my journey to the center of the universe of pain.

I can’t say much about the Giant Dipper that I haven’t said about the other Giant Dipper. It’s a classic wooden coaster, it’s fun, and it’s worth a ride if you’re ever in San Diego or Santa Cruz.

A World of Hurt

Growing up in Metro Detroit I was in a metal band which shall remain nameless. But another local metal band was called World of Hurt. They were a world of hurt on the ears. The Desperado is a world of hurt on my life.

Here’s the deal …

I left San Diego, drove the 291 miles to Primm, NV and got really excited as I was driving up to Buffalo Bill’s. The Desperado is a legitimately thrilling coaster with a 225 foot drop at 80mph top speed. Desperado’s $8 to ride (or $22 unlimited after 5pm, which it was), but I asked for a free ride. :) At first the counter girl said I have to talk to a supervisor, but he was busy, so she just gave me an unlimited ride wristband. I don’t think she liked me very much.

In line at Desperado the problems began. There was some kind of ruckus and they let the coaster run empty. Then maintenance came and looked at it. 2 minutes later they were done doing whatever they needed to do (filling it with enough hate to make Saddam Hussein look like a Smurf?) and I sat down in the first car, third row right.

The coaster immediately starts the climb to the big drop. The drop was fun. And not painful. It’s every single turn, twist, and straight line after that was impossibly malicious. Somewhere in the middle of the ride there was an abrupt twist. My body went left, the coaster went right, and the seat hit me with the might of a record breaking Barry Bonds homerun — post steroid abuse, of course. I let out a FUDGE at the top of my lungs and then cried like a toddler at Disneyland for the remaining 60 seconds of the ride.

I wish I was joking, but I think I need a Doctor. I’ll sleep on it.

More Belmont Park photos here.

More Deathperado photos here.

Tomorrow, assuming I find copious amounts of Vicodin, I’m riding the New York, New York coaster, the The Canyon Blaster at Circus Circus, and doing the rides on top of Stratosphere. Everybody was gracious enough to give me free access. Thanks y’all!